Feed on

To the citi­zens of the United Sta­tes of Ame­ri­ca
from Her Sover­eign Majes­ty Queen Eliza­beth II

In light of your fail­u­re in recent years to nomi­na­te com­pe­tent can­di­da­tes for Pre­si­dent of the USA and thus to govern your­sel­ves, we her­e­by give noti­ce of the revo­ca­ti­on of your inde­pen­dence, effec­tive imme­dia­te­ly. (You should look up ‘revo­ca­ti­on’ in the Oxford English Dic­tiona­ry.)

Her Sover­eign Majes­ty Queen Eliza­beth II will resu­me mon­archi­cal duties over all sta­tes, com­mon­wealths, and ter­ri­to­ries (except North Dako­ta, which she does not fan­cy).

Your new Prime Minis­ter, David Came­ron, will appoint a Gover­nor for Ame­ri­ca without the need for fur­t­her elec­tions.

Con­gress and the Sena­te will be dis­ban­ded. A ques­ti­onn­aire may be cir­cu­la­ted next year to deter­mi­ne whe­ther any of you noti­ced.

To aid in the tran­si­ti­on to a Bri­tish Crown depen­d­en­cy, the fol­lo­wing rules are intro­du­ced with imme­dia­te effect:

  1. The let­ter ‘U’ will be rein­sta­ted in wor­ds such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neigh­bour.’ Like­wi­se, you will learn to spell ‘dough­nut’ without skip­ping half the let­ters, and the suf­fix ‘-ize’ will be repla­ced by the suf­fix ‘-ise.’ Gene­ral­ly, you will be expec­ted to rai­se your voca­bu­la­ry to accep­ta­ble levels. (look up ‘voca­bu­la­ry’).
  2. Using the same twen­ty-seven wor­ds inter­sper­sed with fil­ler noi­ses such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ or ‘real­ly’ is an unac­cep­ta­ble and inef­fi­ci­ent form of com­mu­ni­ca­ti­on. The­re is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Micro­soft know on your behalf. The Micro­soft spell-che­cker will be adjus­ted to take into account the rein­sta­ted let­ter ‘u” and the eli­mi­na­ti­on of ‘-ize.’
  3. July 4th will no lon­ger be cele­bra­ted as a holi­day.
  4. You will learn to resol­ve per­so­nal issu­es without using guns, lawy­ers, or the­ra­pists. The fact that you need so many lawy­ers and the­ra­pists shows that you’re not qui­te ready to be inde­pen­dent. Guns should only be used for shoo­ting grou­se. If you can’t sort things out without suing someo­ne or speaking to a the­ra­pist, then you’re not ready to shoot grou­se.
  5. The­re­fo­re, you will no lon­ger be allo­wed to own or car­ry any­thing more dan­ge­rous than a vege­ta­ble pee­ler. Alt­hough a per­mit will be requi­red if you wish to car­ry a vege­ta­ble pee­ler in public.
  6. All inter­sec­tions will be repla­ced with round­abouts, and you will start dri­ving on the left side with imme­dia­te effect. At the same time, you will go metric with imme­dia­te effect and without the bene­fit of con­ver­si­on tables. Both round­abouts and metri­ca­ti­on will help you under­stand the Bri­tish sen­se of humour.
  7. The for­mer USA will adopt UK pri­ces on petrol (which you have been cal­ling gaso­li­ne) of rough­ly $10/US gal­lon. Get used to it.
  8. You will learn to make real chips. Tho­se things you call French fries are not real chips, and tho­se things you insist on cal­ling pota­to chips are pro­per­ly cal­led crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in ani­mal fat, and dres­sed not with cat­sup but with vine­gar.
  9. The cold, tas­teless stuff you insist on cal­ling beer is not actual­ly beer at all. Hence­forth, only pro­per Bri­tish Bit­ter will be refer­red to as beer, and Euro­pean brews of known and accep­ted pro­ven­an­ce will be refer­red to as Lager. South Afri­can beer is also accep­ta­ble, as they are pound for pound the grea­test sporting nati­on on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the Bri­tish Com­mon­wealth – see what it did for them. Ame­ri­can brands will be refer­red to as Near-Fro­zen Gnat’s Uri­ne, so that all can be sold without risk of fur­t­her con­fu­si­on.
  10. Hol­ly­wood will be requi­red occa­sio­nal­ly to cast English actors as good guys. Hol­ly­wood will also be requi­red to cast English actors to play English cha­rac­ters. Watching Andie Mac­do­well attempt English dialect in Four Wed­dings and a Fun­e­ral was an expe­ri­ence akin to having one’s ears remo­ved with a cheese gra­ter.
  11. You will cea­se play­ing Ame­ri­can foot­ball. The­re is only one kind of pro­per foot­ball; you call it soc­cer. Tho­se of you bra­ve enough will, in time, be allo­wed to play rug­by (which has some simi­la­ri­ties to Ame­ri­can foot­ball, but does not invol­ve stop­ping for a rest every twen­ty seconds or wea­ring full kev­lar body armour like a bunch of nan­ci­es).
  12. Fur­t­her, you will stop play­ing base­ball. It is not rea­son­ab­le to host an event cal­led the World Series for a game which is not play­ed out­side of Ame­ri­ca. Sin­ce only 2.1% of you are awa­re the­re is a world bey­ond your bor­ders, your error is under­stan­d­a­ble. You will learn cri­cket, and we will let you face the South Afri­cans first to take the sting out of their deli­ve­ries.
  13. You must tell us who kil­led JFK. It’s been dri­ving us mad.
  14. An inter­nal reve­nue agent (i.e. tax collec­tor) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you short­ly to ensu­re the acqui­si­ti­on of all monies due (back­da­ted to 1776).
  15. Dai­ly Tea Time begins prompt­ly at 4 p.m. with pro­per cups, with sau­cers, and never mugs, with high qua­li­ty bis­cuits (coo­kies) and cakes; plus straw­ber­ries (with cream) when in sea­son.

God Save the Queen!

* in Nets­peak this is »from da kween«

Leave a Reply